Despite the fact that it's late-May, our weather is cold. Two days ago we sent our son to child care without a sweatshirt. He came home wearing a school "extra" - a gray hoodie on which the school had written in permanent marker on the front "Unit 1". He was wearing the Unit 1 sweatshirt again tonight when we picked him up and he didn't want to take it off. So we went about our evening with our branded son (all in public places, of course.)
Having been away on business for three days, I was particularly looking forward to spending time with him and was paying very close attention to him. What I saw amazed me. Every day, even the hard ones, it is easy for me to appreciate what a great person he is, but tonight blew me away.
He was at his emotive, intuitive and cognitive best tonight. Every time he opened his mouth his responses delighted, tickled and amazed me. For example:
We were adding more lavender essential oil to the diffuser in our car. He likes to smell the oil, so we handed him the cap to sniff. He asked us why we used the smelly stuff and we said that lavender helps us find balance. He went on sniffing and playing with the cap and then he said, "This will help balance when I ride the scooter."
He is thoughtful and intelligent and imaginative and I am so proud of him. Tonight I felt like we were best friends and that we were connecting on the same level. Whether he's mature or I'm childish, I don't know or care. I caught a glimpse into his personality that I haven't seen wholistically before. Watching him unfold is a blessing.
Wednesday, May 26, 2004
Friday, May 21, 2004
Summertime Parenting...Enter Values Conflicts
Summer is on and the kids are out - the bigs ones, the little ones and all are being closely watched by my son.
The boy closest in age to my son lives directly across the street, in constant view of my 3yo's careful eyes. What's more the boy likes to play outside and ALWAYS wants to play with my son. Suffice it to say that his parents share diffent values than we do. The child owns a plethora of guns, is entertained by TV often and plays many of the shoot-em-up games on his Xbox. He asked my son yesterday what his favorite cartoon is? My son didn't understand the question. Our reality is no TV, no exposure to violence - DEFINITELY no guns. I like our reality better. Bottom line: My son LOVES the neighbor kid and won't stand to be outside without playing with him. Of course.
Enter the medium-sized kids. These would be the ones racing their bikes up and down the street, rough and callous in their interaction with the pint-size kids (my own included) and routinely putting them down. The father of my son's playmate instructs his son not to invite "those big kids" to play with him. "Why?" asks the son. "Because they're no good. They're not nice to you."
Prior to the onset of warm weather I would be the first person to spout off the idea that "all children are inherently good." But the father is right, the pre-tweens are meean and rough and I'd rather they didn't come around my son. I'd rather my son didn't see them racing around, enthralled by the fact they ride their bikes "like racecar drivers" on the street, unconcerned with who or what they mow down. I'd rather he didn't hear them put people down, call them stupid. Are they bad kids? I still say no, but I feel the parent in me sigh in relief when we step outside and they're nowhere in sight.
Now come the big kids. They play basketball in the street, complete with girls chasing them in cars with the stereo blasting. The girls watch the boys play out their machismo with the added bonus of full testicular adjustment. The boys wrestle and play word games, each trying to out-cool the other. I wonder is there anything authentic in this social display? I know what this looks like as they mature and it doesn't get any prettier.
I'm not ready for other people's boundaries to encroach on my son's world. I'm not ready to explain to him the things in the world that I've tried for 3 years to shield him from. I like my isolation, thank you very much. When he's older (don't ask me when) and he's a great critical thinker, I'll debate these things with him. I want his childhood to be pure.
Nature always prevails and I will not get my way and my son will see all of the action on our street. I hear my brother saying, "What if he wants to be a football player?"
The boy closest in age to my son lives directly across the street, in constant view of my 3yo's careful eyes. What's more the boy likes to play outside and ALWAYS wants to play with my son. Suffice it to say that his parents share diffent values than we do. The child owns a plethora of guns, is entertained by TV often and plays many of the shoot-em-up games on his Xbox. He asked my son yesterday what his favorite cartoon is? My son didn't understand the question. Our reality is no TV, no exposure to violence - DEFINITELY no guns. I like our reality better. Bottom line: My son LOVES the neighbor kid and won't stand to be outside without playing with him. Of course.
Enter the medium-sized kids. These would be the ones racing their bikes up and down the street, rough and callous in their interaction with the pint-size kids (my own included) and routinely putting them down. The father of my son's playmate instructs his son not to invite "those big kids" to play with him. "Why?" asks the son. "Because they're no good. They're not nice to you."
Prior to the onset of warm weather I would be the first person to spout off the idea that "all children are inherently good." But the father is right, the pre-tweens are meean and rough and I'd rather they didn't come around my son. I'd rather my son didn't see them racing around, enthralled by the fact they ride their bikes "like racecar drivers" on the street, unconcerned with who or what they mow down. I'd rather he didn't hear them put people down, call them stupid. Are they bad kids? I still say no, but I feel the parent in me sigh in relief when we step outside and they're nowhere in sight.
Now come the big kids. They play basketball in the street, complete with girls chasing them in cars with the stereo blasting. The girls watch the boys play out their machismo with the added bonus of full testicular adjustment. The boys wrestle and play word games, each trying to out-cool the other. I wonder is there anything authentic in this social display? I know what this looks like as they mature and it doesn't get any prettier.
I'm not ready for other people's boundaries to encroach on my son's world. I'm not ready to explain to him the things in the world that I've tried for 3 years to shield him from. I like my isolation, thank you very much. When he's older (don't ask me when) and he's a great critical thinker, I'll debate these things with him. I want his childhood to be pure.
Nature always prevails and I will not get my way and my son will see all of the action on our street. I hear my brother saying, "What if he wants to be a football player?"
Tuesday, May 11, 2004
Dusting Myself Off
So, I had a serious fall the last week, but I'm getting back up and picking up the pieces. I faltered when I saw myself slipping into a parental role modeled during my childhood, one that I don't want to emulate. Knowing that I have shed much of my own skin, I realize that I am also capable of freeing myself of the urge to parent in ways I was parented. Since this revelation the 3yo and I have been completely at peace and I have freed myself to settle into the parent I want to be for now, with this child, as he presents himself to me now.
I see him struggling on a personal level, looking for his own place in the world, trying to get his bearings. The reality that he is a little person, no longer a baby, struck me with a great force. Prepared I was not. (Anyone hear Yoda?)
I see him struggling on a personal level, looking for his own place in the world, trying to get his bearings. The reality that he is a little person, no longer a baby, struck me with a great force. Prepared I was not. (Anyone hear Yoda?)
Tuesday, May 04, 2004
An Evening with Kevin Smith
So, media-moron or not, I can sort out some great thinking when I see it. To celebrate the end of a semester, we rented An Evening with Kevin Smith (two whole DVDs of fun!). It's just so damned refreshing! I should buy this just to have on hand for those days when I'm looking at life just a little too seriously.
As those who love me know, that happens too often.
As those who love me know, that happens too often.
Saturday, May 01, 2004
Toe to the Line
I never thought I would be here, with my toes on the edge of a line I never thought I'd come close to, not to mention contemplate crossing.
Today I shook my son and snarled "When you're at school you nap!"
I wanted him to nap. He does it every other day and it appears to be a non-event when he's at child care. Not for me. Sleep is pulling teeth without novacaine.
If only he didn't look at me with a complete devil in his eye, smiling at his success in exhausting every last ounce of patience I have.
How did I get to this place of bitterness and anger, so quick to want to snap at him and on the verge of wanting to hit him? (Yikes, that was hard to write.) It seems to have snuck up on me so quickly.
It's common for there to be days when he's a handful (what kid isn't?), but recently he's not a handful, he's a nightmare. And I'm turning into the scariest part.
How do I stop him from screaming or throwing or hitting or kicking? He seems to revel in every limitation I place on him. He seems nonplussed by my every attempt to alter his behavior.
I am terrified this sudden outburst of hideous life with a 3yo will not cease when the magic pink medicine does. If the medication isn't the culprit, I'm not sure how to go on with this maelstrom in my house without raging back at him.
I never thought I would feel hatred for my son, but today I tasted it and it was ugly. Today my love felt conditional and I'm disgusted by my limitations.
Today I shook my son and snarled "When you're at school you nap!"
I wanted him to nap. He does it every other day and it appears to be a non-event when he's at child care. Not for me. Sleep is pulling teeth without novacaine.
If only he didn't look at me with a complete devil in his eye, smiling at his success in exhausting every last ounce of patience I have.
How did I get to this place of bitterness and anger, so quick to want to snap at him and on the verge of wanting to hit him? (Yikes, that was hard to write.) It seems to have snuck up on me so quickly.
It's common for there to be days when he's a handful (what kid isn't?), but recently he's not a handful, he's a nightmare. And I'm turning into the scariest part.
How do I stop him from screaming or throwing or hitting or kicking? He seems to revel in every limitation I place on him. He seems nonplussed by my every attempt to alter his behavior.
I am terrified this sudden outburst of hideous life with a 3yo will not cease when the magic pink medicine does. If the medication isn't the culprit, I'm not sure how to go on with this maelstrom in my house without raging back at him.
I never thought I would feel hatred for my son, but today I tasted it and it was ugly. Today my love felt conditional and I'm disgusted by my limitations.
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