Light Returning

As the light returns, I reflect on darkness. The last year felt dark much of the time. It was the most challenging year our family has faced. My wife's debilitating pain and persistent migraine symptoms had quite the ripple effect on our family. I was lost in a world of hopelessness and despair where I was unable to help those I loved most. How I wanted to take away her pain, dizziness, nausea, etc. How I wanted her to have a functional life back. I could do nothing. The love and comfort and support I gave, while significant, felt worthless.

My wife was gone in the darkness, unable to reach out to anyone. Alone, she summoned all her will to stay sane through the pain and watch many aspects of her life slip through her fingers. The wife I loved for over 17 years had gone away in many ways. I thought of the foreigner who inhabited her body as the stunt double who got her through the dangerous times, but who you could tell was not quite the same. I loved her stunt double with all of my heart because I knew the real player would one day come back into her role.

Amidst her pain and isolation and its impact on me and on us, there was Mr. Man. He's a hard nut to crack, so his feelings were tough to get to, despite my repeated trying. How do you parent when the landscape of the family suddenly changes? I worried and I fretted and I hoped the stress wasn't taking its toll on him. Most of how we coped is a blur to me. Months of one mom being broken and one mom overfunctioning. Neither scenario was healthy, but we did our best. The only answer I had was to love him. The only lesson I could think to teach was that change and challenge happened, but that love would carry us through. I pray it was enough.

As fall rolled around the corner, my wife's migraines lessened somewhat, enough that we operated in crisis mode less each day. What came next was a wave of awareness that as her symptoms subsided we would not magically pop back to "how it was before". We had weathered this storm and come out of it differently. We marveled at what we had survived and familiarized ourselves with whom we had become in that process. It resembled dating with its fears and uncertainties to uncover and new connections to make.

Our post-crisis debriefing process enabled us to move forward together in positive ways. Debriefing allowed us to make plans for what might work if we encountered similar situations in the future. Grieving together for what the last year had stolen from us was cathartic. My wife's personal exploration of the inner hell and how she coped helped me to understand and support her. As the days grew shorter we brought more understanding, forgiveness and compassion into the light. We shone more light on what our life had become and how it might be different now and the future.

This solstice as I rejoice in the return of the sun, I remember most solemnly the darkness that passed over us the last 16 months. I honor our family's courage in the face of the darkness. I praise the spirits and forces that guided us through treacherous sections of road. I am grateful for the friends and loved ones who supported our family in many ways, known and unknown.

There will be darkness again. We know the wheel turns. I may not know what lies ahead, but I know we are powerful enough to step into the light again.

Sexy Sleeves for My Wife

I started these last year and we just located the perfect buttons for them today. The photos aren't great, but these are my wife's newest fingerless gloves which go all the way up the arm.

Health is Wealth--Eat Me

If you're vegan and accustomed to buying Health is Wealth chik nuggets for your son (or appreciate a wee bit of comfort food yourself), stop forking over $5 for each box right now. Y'all can make them yourself in the comfort of your own kitchen and pjs. And I think I've got the start of a darn good recipe. But in the words of LeVar Burton, don't take my word for it.

Vegan Nuggets of Gold
1 cup cooked white beans (preferably not chickpeas. I used great northern white beans)
1/2 c vital wheat gluten flour
1/2 c panko
2 T soy sauce
any seasonings you'd like to encourage a chicken flavor

For breading purposes you'll need flour, water and 1 cup more panko.

Start with some soft, moist beans. I had a big batch of great northern white beans that I had cooked up with 5-6 cloves of garlic the previous day. Add the remaining ingredients and mix together with your hands, kneading until you see strands of gluten forming. The consistency should be firm and slightly moist, but not drippy or goopey or anything too wet. If your mixture is too dry, add 1/4 cup or less of water or vegetable broth. It should not easily break apart and should resemble something akin to playdough.

Take a thumbful of the gluteny goodness and form it into whatever shape you want. I went for the traditional nugget shape, but no reason to avoid heart shaped nuggets for your sweetie. Just make sure they aren't too thick. You want something about 1/4 inch thick.

Then dip these shaped nuggets into batter and then into a bowl of panko. Now I'm not an expert at breading and frying, so I just threw some flour, water and seasonings into a bowl and mixed up a simple batter for the first bath. Then I tossed the nuggets into a bowl of panko and put them in a pan of hot oil. Fry them for a few minutes (depending on how hot your oil is) on each side. They should be lightly golden brown. Let them rest on a cloth napkin (or paper towel if you must) and then serve immediately.

When you're done here's what they look like. (notice there's only one left. i almost ate mine all before i remembered to take a picture!)


Mr. Man says they are very chewy, which he likes. He says they have a nice, hard, crunchy outside, which he likes. He says he likes them better than the chick nuggets we buy. According to Mr. Man, they're best served with ketchup. On a ten-thumb scale, he rates them 9 1/2 thumbs.

I would agree with his review. They were soft inside, crunchy fried goodness outside, though I recommend them with BBQ sauce.

Enjoy!!!

P.S. These were inspired by the abominable Isa's recipe for Chickpea Cutlets from Veganomicon.

The Week that Was

Since last Sunday I began hoping that I can make it to last night. There were so many important things to do in those 6 days. It started with Mr. Man's birthday on Monday. It's hard to believe that it was 8 years ago when he came into our life. He got promoted in his Poekoelan class and got his second stripe. I skipped my own classes so we could have his birthday dinner and cake. You'll catch some fun video I shot of Mr. Man after school that night.

Tuesday I left work early to help the Green Team at Mr. Man's school present a workshop on gardening and composting. We worked together to rescue the upper elementary classroom's worm compost bin. Then it was off to the studio to run my holds and personal form with my attackers for my gold sash test. We practiced for about an hour and I cleaned the school a bit, but I was tired and went to bed early.

Wednesday was more cleaning at school and then my last class before my gold sash test. It was hard to believe that the time had arrived for my 3 hour test, but somehow I retained a sense of calm about the whole thing. The most stressful thing was making sure all the cleaning was finished before the test and recruiting others to help with the set up.

We made it and when the test began Thursday night I still had a sense of calm. It was a large test--8 people testing total. There were a lot of people watching and participating. This was my first experience with a long test and I had no sense of time. Much of it seemed to fly by. I was very happy with the experience overall. I stayed calm and confident through everything until I got to the fighting section. I faced two aggressive fighters who really came after me and I had a huge emotional release. It's really hard to fight and cry at the same time! Black belt teachers kept pulling me off to the side to give me tips and I felt like I was trying, but it was the only time I wanted to just stop and give up. I got paired up with another testing student for my last fight and my black belt personal trainer gave me a huge lift before the fight and reminded me to have fun. That final fight was probably the best one for me and a great end to the test. It's hard to believe that I did everything that I did during the test and it was such a wonderful experience. It feels like a huge milestone in my training and I can't wait to begin training for my next rank.

Mr. Man stayed for part of my test, but he and the sitter headed home to go to bed at 8:30. I was so happy to have my wife there, watching for the whole time. We walked home in the rain, savoring time alone to talk about the evening. After a nice warm shower, I stepped out of the bathroom to find the cats chasing each other and one of them knocking many glass items down off the top of the bookshelf. Thus began the picking up of glass and sweeping and vacuuming up glass at 11:30 at night.

Friday was a great day for me. I took the day off from work so I could prepare for Mr. Man's birthday party. After taking him to school, I came home and got on my bike to go to the bulk food store. I carried so much home on my bike and it's uphill. Oiy, what a hike. The rest of the day was busy with errands, tax preparation and a rendezvous with my loves for dinner and last minute groceries.

Mr. Man had a Lego Party for about 14 of his friends on Saturday. I did hours of prep for this party--planning activities and sorting legos and making cupcakes, frosting and gathering toppings for kids to build their own cupcakes. What fun! The kids seemed to have fun and Mr. Man seemed happy.

Now it's Sunday and every stress-inducing thing this week is behind me, quite successfully. I feel such a sense of relief and satisfaction. Who knew that something so difficult could be so satisfying and fun?

Power Tools

I was in the kitchen packing lunches when I heard, "Mama, we have an interesting request."

This is what greeted me.

Why, yes, that is Mr. Man's finger stuck in the hole of a wooden Brio train track. The things 7yo boys do when they're supposed to be sleeping!

Olive oil and soap didn't work. We resorted to a wood saw (which only my wife would have on her pocket knife) and a drill.

After three drilled holes and some sawing later, the finger was out and no blood drawn. Victory!

Quote of the Day

As Mr. Man crawled under our bed (at my request) to fetch a ball of yarn, he found a few other things. He pulled out my eye pillow. Then he said, "Here's a funny hair tie."

Funny, indeed. He wasn't far off in its round, black shape. Any bets on how old he is when he gets the explanation of how a rubber O ring comes to be found under your bed?

Something Fishy

Life goes on, with knitting joy. Here's the project I just completed today for Mr. Man. Last year I made him a kitty cat hat. This year he'll be sporting a fish head.



See the lovely fish lips to gobble his head?


Complete with dorsal and pectoral fins.


The full fishy frontal.


That's the end of this knitty tale.


Mr. Man rationed me to two pictures of him sporting his hat and neither do it justice.