The tag on my blog is called cloudy. I haven't read through all the posts in this category, but as I contemplate tagging this post cloudy, I wonder if it should more accurately be labeled "Dark Side of the Moon."
All my adult life I have struggled with PMS. Every month things take a turn for the worse after ovulation. In my late-30s it has been more pronounced and it feels like I'm ruled by my body. I think I have a good intuitive relationship with my body, but lately the clues my body sends are so powerfully physical. I feel my subtle cycle shifts in a visceral way. I am overwhelmed by them and can see them wash over my mood, emotions and behavior. I feel driven by my hormones in a way I imagine a pubescent boy feels with his powerful surge of testosterone. It's all so clear to me. I can see it, but I don't understand it or navigate it very gracefully.
I'm sure there's some balance each month. The moment I begin bleeding, my energy is high and positive and I'm yearning for sexual contact. It's urgent. Ovulation comes and rocks the boat and I'm on a slow descent. It's what I call the Dark Side of the Moon. I'm uncertain, uninterested and my hormones randomly short-circuit my emotions.
Last night my mood turned on a dime for no understandable reason. All three of the people who love me sensed my unease. They all reached out to comfort me, and in a way they did, but I was unable to explain what was going on or what I needed.
I think the way this feels inside looks like the digital display of an EKG—the consistent waves of a powerfully beating heart. If we look at the arc of my life, I imagine some flat lines for periods when my depression was bad and canceled out the waves.
Despite how confused I often am on the Dark Side, I find comfort in the consistent rhythms of my body. It's who I am. It's just curious to me that I am still learning how to cope with being a woman in this way. I do know that I like dealing with these rhythms far better than living through a flat line. I am happy that I can tell the difference. I am immensely grateful that the people around me love me through it all.
