I was raised among adults who modeled a protestant work ethic and an often puritanical love of effort and order. There were few options but to tow the line, do my work in an efficient manner and without complaint. It was always clear that any fun or relaxation was to happen only when the work was done.
Fast forward to my own entry into adult life. My wife and I had many conflicts over house cleaning when we first lived together. I approached it with rigidity, a feverish and intense flurry of task after task to be accomplished as efficiently and thoroughly as possible. Her relaxed approach of cleaning something, reading a chapter in a book, then tidying another corner before pursuing some other interest boggled my mind. I dreaded having to clean and was not satisfied until it was over. My wife thought it sucked, but she seemed to do it with an odd joy. In this arena we were completely different from one another. In fact, it never even occurred to me that there was any other way to do it. As I watched her I felt as if an alien was cleaning the house.
Years of therapy and a child changed a lot for me. I learned to let go and chill out more often. I didn't necessarily relinquish the sense that I was supposed to be doing work in a specific manner and to certain self-imposed standards. My overdeveloped sense of responsibility has largely haunted me throughout much of my adult life.
However people have this capacity to be amazing--and inject joy into my life. Even an over-responsible person like me has the pleasure of being knocked on my ass the by pure joy emanating from those close to me. It's hard for me to fret about mopping the floor when Mr. Man shares a hysterical 10yo insight about the world.
Stressful moments or incidents often send me retreating to the prison of Taskville. The joy of my family, Earth and art can try their damndest, but will not likely get through to me in dark moments.
The last few weeks have been like this. Swallowed by work I have given joy a run for her money. I worry she will turn away, fatigued. On Beltaine, of all days, I owe it to myself, to my family and friends, to the world to invite joy and pleasure back into my life in a consistent way.
Welcome home.
