The Great Return

Tonight we returned to the Grammies' house to be reunited with Mr. Man. He didn't run up to us and give us a great big hug like I had hoped. He seemed to have a lovely time at the beach and, of course, went to sleep easily for his grandmothers. When it was our turn to put him to sleep tonight we were met with the usual kicking and screaming and running away. It was milder than usual, but it was a bummer to return to, nonetheless. Sigh.

The conference was fine, but the time away with my wife was wonderful. The silence alone was priceless. We sat and read quietly together, ate dinner uninterrupted and relaxed in a hotel room alone for the first time in four years. What a joy. The only down side to the trip is that my computer seems to have died. What a pain.

The Parent Continuum

The last few days have provided many different venues and circumstances in which to contemplate parenting. All of them are vastly different and raise different issues, but they have all happened within the last five days. Intense.

• Pride: One would think that the glbtqa pride festival would be a supportive place to take one's son. Wouldn't queer people be very happy that queer folks are raising up little kids to be queer-supportive? Mr. Man and I went to the pride parade and rally on Saturday. In general I felt alone, save for the few friends with whom we went. I felt like the queer folks in attendance were really self-involved and unaware of a larger community beyond that which supports more self-involved enjoyment. The rally had a polital focus, but beyond that 1-hour event I felt like an outsider because I wasn't into the bar-party-smoke-get laid scene. It felt sort of creepy to be in a place where as a two-mom family I should be embraced, yet I was feeling pushed aside.


• Hippie Wedding Reception: Fast forward four hours after Pride to the scene of a wedding reception for a hippie couple. The couple hiked into a lakeshore sand dune to be married by a revolutionary priest in front of a handful of family members. At the reception we attended they provided two crafts areas for kids to entertain and occupy themselves--complete with a volunteer to keep an eye on the kids in case parents wanted to sneak off to the amazing potluck feast or to get a glass of wine. Het folks win the gold star for creativing a supportive community for parents.


• The Screamer: Mr. Man reached what I hope is the pinnacle of challenging behavior related to sleeping. Sunday night he would not sleep and was screaming and running and hitting and just being a terror. My wife get the Mother Theresa Parenting Medal of Honor. The next day we try to get Mr. Man to take a nap but he resists with the same force from the night prior. I reach a new low of frustration, despair and anxiety about why he acts this way.


• The Parents: In the meantime we've travelled to another city and are staying with my parents. Enter the anxiety and torture of reflecting on bad parenting and being triggered by my own childhood. Then there's the torment of leaving Mr. Man with said parents who installed the childhood issues for two nights/three days while we attend a conference an hour away.


• Freedom: As I write we're away from our child for the first time since he was born four years ago. The silence is defeaning and exquisite. The uninterrupted thought process and the endless possibilities are luxurious. Enjoying this all so much feels wrong, but I try to brush aside the guilt and focus on how much I needed this break; time away from bedtime as a war zone and the over-the-top behavior that we seem unable to curb with any consequences.

Why is it that one day parenting seems a simple task, others it plows over me like a steamroller while others it feels like a lonely, endless task?

The Summer on Wheels

Yesterday I helped Mr. Man learn how to ride his bike sans training wheels. He took to it immediately. I gave him the loving you-might-fall-but-you-can-get-back-up-again speech and some tips for how to stop himself from falling. I guided him a few times, but largely he found his balance and figured out how to keep his bike up almost immediately. I knew he had strong gross motor skills - but damn! Within an hour and without having fallen once, he was off and riding.

He took a little break and when his grandfather came outside to watch, he got a lesson from Papa on how to start by himself. That took a little bit, but Mr. Man was on his bike all day long and by the end of the day he was a pro. He was starting by himself, braking and stopping and riding in sharp circles by the day's end. There was only one spill over which he shed any tears and largely there weren't that many spills.

He was so proud of himself and it was so awesome to watch him be so happy at having mastered a new skill. It was a wonderful day for he and I. I remember like it was yesterday learning to ride my bike for the first time. It's so cool to be on the other side, helping a little one learn. The joy in his eyes was beautiful and I was happy to watch him.

I'm amazed that the baby who grew in my womb has become an independent young person. These milestones are sweet and sad and sometimes I feel intensely how each step he takes is a step further away from me.

Summer is upon us and I'm ready for the ride. Happy solstice.

In the I-Always-Wanted-To Category

is hiking the Appalachian Trail. I was reminded of my longings to do this when I happily stumbled across just wandering's blog. What a great chronicle of an exciting trek, and I particularly like the Canadian perspective!

I could do the physical exertion thing, but the living, pissing, shitting outside for an extended time would likely be my downfall. (Not to mention the whole girly cycle thing! PMS kills me now in the comfort of air conditioned, closed structures.)

Perhaps one day when Mr. Man is more manly we could make a go at it with the help an experienced hiker friend. Fun to think about.

The Work/Life Balance

I'm generally stressed by the challenge of balancing my work responsibilities with the needs of my family. Mr. Man has come to work with me two mornings this week because my partner (on full-time child care duty) had a five-day migraine. Both days have been a treat. We chilled out together, him playing in my office while I worked and me snuggling him while the "scary" Kipper segment played. Today he helped me collate materials for an upcoming event. After lunch today I shuttled him back home and they dropped me back off at work so they could jet around town for the afternoon. He gave me a long, squishy I love you stare while I walked back into work. I LOVE that!

I cherish these great mom/son work days. They make up for the plethora of stressful post-partum-depressed, stressed-to-the-max days after my maternity leave when I tried to catch up and keep up at work, all the while nursing and diapering my newborn. How did I do that? Better yet, why?

This is way better. Ahhh...balance.