Otherwise Known as the Dark Side of the Moon

The tag on my blog is called cloudy. I haven't read through all the posts in this category, but as I contemplate tagging this post cloudy, I wonder if it should more accurately be labeled "Dark Side of the Moon."

All my adult life I have struggled with PMS. Every month things take a turn for the worse after ovulation. In my late-30s it has been more pronounced and it feels like I'm ruled by my body. I think I have a good intuitive relationship with my body, but lately the clues my body sends are so powerfully physical. I feel my subtle cycle shifts in a visceral way. I am overwhelmed by them and can see them wash over my mood, emotions and behavior. I feel driven by my hormones in a way I imagine a pubescent boy feels with his powerful surge of testosterone. It's all so clear to me. I can see it, but I don't understand it or navigate it very gracefully.

I'm sure there's some balance each month. The moment I begin bleeding, my energy is high and positive and I'm yearning for sexual contact. It's urgent. Ovulation comes and rocks the boat and I'm on a slow descent. It's what I call the Dark Side of the Moon. I'm uncertain, uninterested and my hormones randomly short-circuit my emotions.

Last night my mood turned on a dime for no understandable reason. All three of the people who love me sensed my unease. They all reached out to comfort me, and in a way they did, but I was unable to explain what was going on or what I needed.

I think the way this feels inside looks like the digital display of an EKG—the consistent waves of a powerfully beating heart. If we look at the arc of my life, I imagine some flat lines for periods when my depression was bad and canceled out the waves.

Despite how confused I often am on the Dark Side, I find comfort in the consistent rhythms of my body. It's who I am. It's just curious to me that I am still learning how to cope with being a woman in this way. I do know that I like dealing with these rhythms far better than living through a flat line. I am happy that I can tell the difference. I am immensely grateful that the people around me love me through it all.

Mr. Positive

Today I picked up a journal I haven't used in a while. (Yes, the old-school paper book for personal, reflective writing.) I re-read the last few entries, all written over three years ago. At that time I was:

• grieving the estrangement of a recently-revived relationship with a significant lover from a long time ago
• having a satisfying and hollow, purely sexual relationship with a man
• lamenting my inability to find a fulfilling relationship with a man. (The word "doomed" featured prominently in my outlook.)

Fast forward three years and things are much different. Since August, I've been in a relationship with Mr. Positive. This connection fills so many of the needs I had and the things I craved in a relationship with a man. In my journal I described wanting to be loved, to be desired and to be seen for my beauty. Mr. Positive does all of those things. 

It's somewhat incomprehensible to me how this happened. After years of feeling doomed about a fulfilling relationship with a man, it's hard for me to adapt to something this great. Don't get me wrong, I have plenty of gratitude, but it's laced with a healthy dose of disbelief that I really got what I was looking for.

Which leads me to Mr. Positive himself. He is many things—attractive, kind, attentive and other lovely attributes, but above all he is excessively positive and happy. Regular readers know that I am not. I'm generally stressed or anxious to the point of mental bondage and often wrestling with depression. Do I have a good life? Absolutely. Am I happy? Yes. Wait. Usually. But I am rarely positive.

I am unaccustomed to the ways of the positive creature—the being who seems to skip through life without noticing or being fazed by challenges. Those around me may have recently heard me muttering "fucking positive people." It's said with love and in jest, of course, but excessive positivity throws me for a loop. I've noticed changes in my autopilot, The Grump. You know what I'm talking about, right? Surely you also have a voice in your head that foreshadows all the shitty things that could happen next or points out where everything could unravel at any second? Yes? Well, it's good to know I'm not alone.

Except when I'm with Mr. Positive. In his presence The Grump shuffles around in my head, reflecting on its purpose in my life and wondering if it should take a hike. I adore Mr. Positive for many lovely reasons, but I most appreciate how his demeanor has made me challenge The Grump.

Holiday Letter

It's that time of year when we're starting to get those holiday letters from friends and family sharing the highlights of their year. Family trips, home repair, a few photos thrown in for good measure. Being the kind of people we are and the family structure that we have, our lives don't lend themselves to these letters. If we did publish one, chances are great that we'd alienate many of the people we send them to or at least they'd look at us ever more skeptically than they already do. But if we did write a holiday letter, here's what it would say:

Mr. Man grows into a man more every day. He began fifth grade with confidence and has found his footing in his upper elementary class. His matter-of-fact approach to chaos and challenge are an inspiration to me. He is concluding his fifth year of martial arts training and is looking for a new and exciting physical activity to keep his body strong. While he loves video games, Minecraft being the latest obsession, we believe he will be one of the rare gamers with washboard abs. He loves physical activity, loves to challenge himself and has amazing balance and strength. A pull-up bar is soon to be installed in his room.

In the fall we moved to House of Eris West 3.0. We weren't looking exactly, but a good opportunity arose and we took it. More space, same price, two floors, utility room for washer/dryer. All on our list of must-haves. It's a quirky space that took us a while to settle into. We're still working on small design and decorating elements to make it just right. It seems the cats, Mr. Man and his moms are all pretty happy with the change.

Our family grew stronger and larger this year. My wife and I celebrated our long-awaited Tipping Point and we threw a big bash. My wife's man became my man, too, and we learned new poly lessons about sharing. I added to our tribe with a man of my own, who has his own wife. For those counting, that means my wife has two partners and I have three. Scheduling is a bitch, but our family has found a constellation of people who add even more to our already beautiful and rich life.

My wife toggles between periods of really good days and challenging bits. She started having a "good spell" around the time of our move and immersed herself in Occupy Wall Street actions. She had about three weeks of largely symptom-free days and for a moment I think we forgot she was chronically ill. We were really thrown for a loop when that ended. Nonetheless, this fall has been a productive time for her, both with activism, her spiritual practice and her business. She's on the verge of stepping her professional activity up a notch and we're learning the best ways to do that, hoping that her health will continue to cooperate.

For me, this year has been about promoting the things in my life that support my mental health. I've lost weight, changed my eating habits and have become much more active. I've been regularly bike commuting since August and have developed a love for Crossfit. I felt like I had a handle on things in early fall and decided to try life without an anti-depressant medication. The verdict is out on whether I need it or not. In the time since I stopped taking the meds, my boss died, my work life exploded and we moved unexpectedly. Things have certainly felt harder in the last few months, but I'd like to hang out for a bit longer to see how I do.

This year is also the year our family kicked the sugar habit. In early January we stopped eating processed sugar as much as possible. I no longer bake and we don't buy sweets or dessert when we're out. It is actually a pretty hard addiction to curb, but we've done very well. I think all of us feel much better when we don't consume sugar, most notably Mr. Man's mood seems more stable.

There are plenty of things that haven't changed. Chester, our needy, frat-boy cat, continues to pee in inappropriate places. Pumpkin, the black cat, is his same old ornery and feisty self. We continue to live happily without a car, with Mr. Man and I biking most places. My wife has the worst lot, stuck in the rapidly-deteriorating public transit system for hours every day ferrying Mr. Man to and from school. We continue to love vegan living, and added green juices to our diet this year with the help of a new juicer. Our life continues to be wonderful, full of both joy and challenge and a healthy dose of gratitude.