Mr. Positive

Today I picked up a journal I haven't used in a while. (Yes, the old-school paper book for personal, reflective writing.) I re-read the last few entries, all written over three years ago. At that time I was:

• grieving the estrangement of a recently-revived relationship with a significant lover from a long time ago
• having a satisfying and hollow, purely sexual relationship with a man
• lamenting my inability to find a fulfilling relationship with a man. (The word "doomed" featured prominently in my outlook.)

Fast forward three years and things are much different. Since August, I've been in a relationship with Mr. Positive. This connection fills so many of the needs I had and the things I craved in a relationship with a man. In my journal I described wanting to be loved, to be desired and to be seen for my beauty. Mr. Positive does all of those things. 

It's somewhat incomprehensible to me how this happened. After years of feeling doomed about a fulfilling relationship with a man, it's hard for me to adapt to something this great. Don't get me wrong, I have plenty of gratitude, but it's laced with a healthy dose of disbelief that I really got what I was looking for.

Which leads me to Mr. Positive himself. He is many things—attractive, kind, attentive and other lovely attributes, but above all he is excessively positive and happy. Regular readers know that I am not. I'm generally stressed or anxious to the point of mental bondage and often wrestling with depression. Do I have a good life? Absolutely. Am I happy? Yes. Wait. Usually. But I am rarely positive.

I am unaccustomed to the ways of the positive creature—the being who seems to skip through life without noticing or being fazed by challenges. Those around me may have recently heard me muttering "fucking positive people." It's said with love and in jest, of course, but excessive positivity throws me for a loop. I've noticed changes in my autopilot, The Grump. You know what I'm talking about, right? Surely you also have a voice in your head that foreshadows all the shitty things that could happen next or points out where everything could unravel at any second? Yes? Well, it's good to know I'm not alone.

Except when I'm with Mr. Positive. In his presence The Grump shuffles around in my head, reflecting on its purpose in my life and wondering if it should take a hike. I adore Mr. Positive for many lovely reasons, but I most appreciate how his demeanor has made me challenge The Grump.