I've spent 4 days enjoying family, cooking and eating food. I have NOT done any homework or work and it's a beautiful thing.
The day before most people sacrifice a turkey, I enjoyed the season's first snowfall. There's something comforting about snowfall on a holiday.
The fear of snow, however, kept my in-laws from traveling to our house for a feast. Our family was really bummed and my wife was quite sad that they didn't join us. Despite our disappointment and sadness at spending the day without family or friends, the three of us had a lovely day. Mr. Man worked on legos at the table while we cooked. We made a Tofurkey dinner, but I added a few things - like a vegan pot roast, gravy, mashed potatoes, cheezey veggie soup and cinnamon rolls at Mr. Man's request. Amazing amounts of good food.
My wife and I enjoyed watching a movie for two nights in a row. Unfortunately, both movies were average. Nonetheless, we cuddled, ate popcorn and watched a movie uninterrupted. I can't remember when we last did that. Top that with the fact that we flirted all weekend. Who knew that you could have romance in a marriage of 13 years?
This oasis of peace was briefly interrupted by the in-laws who descended upon the house with their rude behavior, child unfriendly conversation and general lack of consideration. Nonetheless Mr. Man got to see his Nana and Papa and I cooked another feast. This time we prepared an Unturkey for comparison's sake and I cooked more gravy, butternut squash soup and veggies. We enjoyed vegan apple pie while the other folks had pumpkin pie with whipped cream. Another very good meal.
I've got the remainder of today to enjoy and then it's back to reality. I wish I could stop the clock.
Sunday, November 27, 2005
Monday, November 21, 2005
Tumbling
Have you seen the series of photos that shows a cat falling in slow motion? The cat tumbles and swivels, only to land on its feet. I want to be that cat. I'm stuck in the falling and I'm waiting for the landing.
My wife continues to suffer through days-long migraines and seems hopeless that she'll feel well again. Through the last few intense weeks we have not had enough time together to talk and share the tidbits of our sadly separate lives. We are adrift, desperately in need of shoring up.
We are in desperate need of some hope in the Moving to Portland chapter of our lives. We've said we're moving for 6 months now. We just showed the house to the prospective buyers. Our entire family is braced for a move. My employer wants me to leave already so they can replace me. Parents of Mr. Man's friends ask when we are moving. I placed 7 applications last week and was feeling very positive. But the panic that it's never going to happen keeps creeping in. I begin making desperate plans in my head, fantasizing about moving without a job, living off what we make from selling the house.
I can't seem to manage the realities of my life at home - paying bills, doing laundry, cleaning the house, cooking dinner. At work, I get by but seem to do half-assed work. I'm surviving in school, but counting the days until my semester ends. Actually getting out of bed and getting to work (not to mention on time) is a miracle.
Everywhere I look, I'm falling. I want to know when I land and where I am when that happens? I'm not a cat. Am I standing or lying on the ground in a crumpled mass?
My wife continues to suffer through days-long migraines and seems hopeless that she'll feel well again. Through the last few intense weeks we have not had enough time together to talk and share the tidbits of our sadly separate lives. We are adrift, desperately in need of shoring up.
We are in desperate need of some hope in the Moving to Portland chapter of our lives. We've said we're moving for 6 months now. We just showed the house to the prospective buyers. Our entire family is braced for a move. My employer wants me to leave already so they can replace me. Parents of Mr. Man's friends ask when we are moving. I placed 7 applications last week and was feeling very positive. But the panic that it's never going to happen keeps creeping in. I begin making desperate plans in my head, fantasizing about moving without a job, living off what we make from selling the house.
I can't seem to manage the realities of my life at home - paying bills, doing laundry, cleaning the house, cooking dinner. At work, I get by but seem to do half-assed work. I'm surviving in school, but counting the days until my semester ends. Actually getting out of bed and getting to work (not to mention on time) is a miracle.
Everywhere I look, I'm falling. I want to know when I land and where I am when that happens? I'm not a cat. Am I standing or lying on the ground in a crumpled mass?
Sunday, November 13, 2005
1214 Pieces
Last week we reached a negotiation with Mr. Man to trade in his duplo blocks that he got when he was 2 for the small legos that are age appropriate for him. We ended up with two sets of legos because the basic box of legos didn't have wheels, which is what he really wanted. So we purchased a complicated three-part set that allows the child to build a fire tractor with a rotating ladder and cherry picker as well as the add-on hitch for the life raft for water rescue. It came with three instruction books and a set of stickers. Mr. Man and I had a blast assembling it. My wife and a friend prepared chocolate chip cookies and hot cocoa, which we enjoyed as an intermission.
Mr. Man is gifted when it comes to spacial relations and visual orientation. I didn't believe it until I saw it myself, but he works the trinomial cube in 1 minute. His teacher says his next challenge is to do it blind-folded.
I love to watch him work.
Mr. Man is gifted when it comes to spacial relations and visual orientation. I didn't believe it until I saw it myself, but he works the trinomial cube in 1 minute. His teacher says his next challenge is to do it blind-folded.
I love to watch him work.
Saturday, November 12, 2005
Dented
The wind gusts and rubs against my raw skin and I ache. My two-week swing into darkness began and once again seems neverending. In this land I find myself unable to partition my emotions into appropriate moments and places. Panic and anxiety rear their head and I feel like a child scared in a thunderstorm, nervously tugging on the sleeves of my oversized fleece pullover. I continue to eat insane amounts of food although I feel no real hunger or fullness. I sunk to new lows in self-care, failing to drink any water or take daily vitamins several days this week.
Despite my reluctance, I seriously contemplated calling for a prescription. If only I could regulate my cycle, I think, perhaps whatever other issues unrelated to my cycle would be easier to cope with. I think it's all a lie - the medication and the supposed relief. I fear I'm simply as crazy as my parents.
Reading aloud to Mr. Man is my favorite grounding activity. In fact, being near him is entirely satisfying. I feel guilty using his company as comfort. Given my state, it seems best to shield him from me.
My wife loves me through it all. I tell her I am a dented can, best to be left on the shelf. She says she loves me anyway. When she approaches me, it's as if I'm a deer injured by a passing car. I don't really want to be that broken, but I am.
Despite my reluctance, I seriously contemplated calling for a prescription. If only I could regulate my cycle, I think, perhaps whatever other issues unrelated to my cycle would be easier to cope with. I think it's all a lie - the medication and the supposed relief. I fear I'm simply as crazy as my parents.
Reading aloud to Mr. Man is my favorite grounding activity. In fact, being near him is entirely satisfying. I feel guilty using his company as comfort. Given my state, it seems best to shield him from me.
My wife loves me through it all. I tell her I am a dented can, best to be left on the shelf. She says she loves me anyway. When she approaches me, it's as if I'm a deer injured by a passing car. I don't really want to be that broken, but I am.
Monday, November 07, 2005
Kickass Kids
In the middle of my longing for another baby and their miniature beauty, I was inundated this past weekend by examples of how cool kids are as they grow older and become thoughtful, communicative kids. I think I spent my weekend in one of those Bill Cosby clips where he sits down with kids and just talks to them and the kids say the most profound, hysterical things.
I spent much of my time with Mr. Man this weekend relaxing and staying low-key. I skipped out of work early on Friday for parent teacher conferences and then a long walk on the river trail with Mr. Man. He rode his bike and I walked as fast as possible in a failed attempt to keep up with him. The weather was beautiful and balmy - 70 degrees at the afternoon peak. While he did enjoy speeding off, I love that he stopped to collect a piece of bark and a huge maple leaf and attach them to his bike. He said hello to everyone he passed on the river trail, infecting even the grumpiest runner on the trail. It's a moment burned into my happiness memory bank.
Saturday night we enjoyed some quiet time reading the book Earth From Above, a beautiful collection of vivid photographs of people, animals and landscapes taken from a helicopter. The photographs are accompanied by descriptions of the region, the people or climates. Mr. Man was rightfully dismayed when, after viewing pictures of elephants, whales and a flock of scarlet ibis, he learned that humans were the biggest threat to these animals. (Artifical flowers, people! We kill the scarlet ibis to make artificial flowers!!!) After a few pages on the same theme of humans suck, Mr. Man turned to me and said, "We should give this book to all...hunt--...people who eat meat." He started to say hunters, but changed his mind mid-sentence to stipulate that carnivores should read the book. I don't know whether I'm tickled that he categorizes hunters and carnivores together or that he broadened his understanding of cruelty to include meat-eating.
Sunday I performed at the local health food store and enjoyed all the kids of varying ages who approached me and explored the harp. I invite kids to come up to touch the harp and pluck strings. I like explaining vibration, sound and resonance to the older ones. This day the younger ones were thrilled and excited to play and one exclaimed, "I'm making music!" to his parents. My favorite interaction was with a girl, maybe 8, who has a definite intuitive understanding of music. We discussed octaves and which strings were which musical notes and how my music was printed on a grand staff and how the range of her violin corresponded to the strings on a harp. In the middle of this great conversation, she abruptly states, "Did you know Rosa Parks died a few weeks ago?" I confirmed my knowledge and asked her what she knew about Rosa. She reported that Rosa Parks helped defend the rights of black people. I commented that Rosa was really cool and that she was an example of how we could all be cool, too. As quickly as the topic changed, she was off in search of her mother who was busy shopping.
When I think of Dar Williams' song Teenagers Kick Our Butts, I think of these kids and how they all will, very soon.
I spent much of my time with Mr. Man this weekend relaxing and staying low-key. I skipped out of work early on Friday for parent teacher conferences and then a long walk on the river trail with Mr. Man. He rode his bike and I walked as fast as possible in a failed attempt to keep up with him. The weather was beautiful and balmy - 70 degrees at the afternoon peak. While he did enjoy speeding off, I love that he stopped to collect a piece of bark and a huge maple leaf and attach them to his bike. He said hello to everyone he passed on the river trail, infecting even the grumpiest runner on the trail. It's a moment burned into my happiness memory bank.
Saturday night we enjoyed some quiet time reading the book Earth From Above, a beautiful collection of vivid photographs of people, animals and landscapes taken from a helicopter. The photographs are accompanied by descriptions of the region, the people or climates. Mr. Man was rightfully dismayed when, after viewing pictures of elephants, whales and a flock of scarlet ibis, he learned that humans were the biggest threat to these animals. (Artifical flowers, people! We kill the scarlet ibis to make artificial flowers!!!) After a few pages on the same theme of humans suck, Mr. Man turned to me and said, "We should give this book to all...hunt--...people who eat meat." He started to say hunters, but changed his mind mid-sentence to stipulate that carnivores should read the book. I don't know whether I'm tickled that he categorizes hunters and carnivores together or that he broadened his understanding of cruelty to include meat-eating.
Sunday I performed at the local health food store and enjoyed all the kids of varying ages who approached me and explored the harp. I invite kids to come up to touch the harp and pluck strings. I like explaining vibration, sound and resonance to the older ones. This day the younger ones were thrilled and excited to play and one exclaimed, "I'm making music!" to his parents. My favorite interaction was with a girl, maybe 8, who has a definite intuitive understanding of music. We discussed octaves and which strings were which musical notes and how my music was printed on a grand staff and how the range of her violin corresponded to the strings on a harp. In the middle of this great conversation, she abruptly states, "Did you know Rosa Parks died a few weeks ago?" I confirmed my knowledge and asked her what she knew about Rosa. She reported that Rosa Parks helped defend the rights of black people. I commented that Rosa was really cool and that she was an example of how we could all be cool, too. As quickly as the topic changed, she was off in search of her mother who was busy shopping.
When I think of Dar Williams' song Teenagers Kick Our Butts, I think of these kids and how they all will, very soon.
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