Light Returning

As the light returns, I reflect on darkness. The last year felt dark much of the time. It was the most challenging year our family has faced. My wife's debilitating pain and persistent migraine symptoms had quite the ripple effect on our family. I was lost in a world of hopelessness and despair where I was unable to help those I loved most. How I wanted to take away her pain, dizziness, nausea, etc. How I wanted her to have a functional life back. I could do nothing. The love and comfort and support I gave, while significant, felt worthless.

My wife was gone in the darkness, unable to reach out to anyone. Alone, she summoned all her will to stay sane through the pain and watch many aspects of her life slip through her fingers. The wife I loved for over 17 years had gone away in many ways. I thought of the foreigner who inhabited her body as the stunt double who got her through the dangerous times, but who you could tell was not quite the same. I loved her stunt double with all of my heart because I knew the real player would one day come back into her role.

Amidst her pain and isolation and its impact on me and on us, there was Mr. Man. He's a hard nut to crack, so his feelings were tough to get to, despite my repeated trying. How do you parent when the landscape of the family suddenly changes? I worried and I fretted and I hoped the stress wasn't taking its toll on him. Most of how we coped is a blur to me. Months of one mom being broken and one mom overfunctioning. Neither scenario was healthy, but we did our best. The only answer I had was to love him. The only lesson I could think to teach was that change and challenge happened, but that love would carry us through. I pray it was enough.

As fall rolled around the corner, my wife's migraines lessened somewhat, enough that we operated in crisis mode less each day. What came next was a wave of awareness that as her symptoms subsided we would not magically pop back to "how it was before". We had weathered this storm and come out of it differently. We marveled at what we had survived and familiarized ourselves with whom we had become in that process. It resembled dating with its fears and uncertainties to uncover and new connections to make.

Our post-crisis debriefing process enabled us to move forward together in positive ways. Debriefing allowed us to make plans for what might work if we encountered similar situations in the future. Grieving together for what the last year had stolen from us was cathartic. My wife's personal exploration of the inner hell and how she coped helped me to understand and support her. As the days grew shorter we brought more understanding, forgiveness and compassion into the light. We shone more light on what our life had become and how it might be different now and the future.

This solstice as I rejoice in the return of the sun, I remember most solemnly the darkness that passed over us the last 16 months. I honor our family's courage in the face of the darkness. I praise the spirits and forces that guided us through treacherous sections of road. I am grateful for the friends and loved ones who supported our family in many ways, known and unknown.

There will be darkness again. We know the wheel turns. I may not know what lies ahead, but I know we are powerful enough to step into the light again.