An Emptiness Nonetheless

Last Monday someone I knew died after a year-long battle with cancer. She was not a friend or family member, but someone who affected my daily life. We had a difficult relationship and it was not always pleasant. I am, of course, sad to have watched a person suffer and end life in an unnatural way.

I'm not familiar with slow death, nor am I experienced grieving for people who brought challenge to my daily life. It was a sad realization last week when I discovered that I missed her. It felt as if I was holding my breath, waiting for her to walk through the door.

Grieving the loss of this person and our tumultuous relationship hit me much harder than I expected. That reality scared the shit out of me. If I feel this way about losing her, how the hell would I survive losing someone I loved? For a day or two I was emotionally paralyzed by that thought and I wanted to draw my dearest people up in my arms and not let them go outside. The intricate, delicate beauty of my loved ones shone like sun-drenched snowflakes in my mind and I hated life in that instant for being fragile. Fuck lessons in impermanence, I wanted to shout. Yet I know that to love causes pain and that to live requires an end in some form. I've always known that, believed that, and lived that.

This past week has shown me that I am unprepared for many things. I see how fortunate I am to have my loving and living be relatively free of the pain and endings that I know come with the territory. All I can think to do is continue on with gratitude.